Silence is Golden, but a Pause is Diamond
“Oh God, here we are again. In this situation again and again!”
It came to my mind almost every day. Every time I caught up in an argument, that voice kept coming back inside my head. We live in a diverse society. It won’t be difficult finding arguable ideas. People tend to preserve their perspectives. And I am one of them.
When I was a child, I saw adults were yelling at the street. They were arguing about their opinions. I thought they were childish adults. At their age, they should be wise enough to settle things with calm. But, unfortunately now I realized I was just too naive.
When I started to work, I often made rude arguments. Not just once, but many times I said bad words. And actually I knew it was not the right thing to do. But I did it anyway. Later on, I regret what I’ve said.
One day, I realized I couldn’t be like this forever. I decided to change my approach. Here I want to share my points while I am trying to be wiser when facing an argument.
The Power of a Pause
The clock showed it was 8:14 AM. When I was driving to my office, I listened to one good podcast. It was all about managing emotions in parenting. They shared their experiences when they became parents and had arguments with their children. At first, I wasn’t sure I can help me through my day. Not until they mentioned their method to set back while arguing.
Deep breathing. Yes, they used this method when they felt to lose control. Taking a deep breath might sound simple. But without you realize, it gives you so many benefits. When you take a deep breath, slowly and steadily. You can feel your heartbeat follows.
Lower heartbeat could help you to make a clear mind. By doing that, regain control of your situation. Not just keep spitting words that come to your mind, but filter it with calm. Make sure you said only the right words.
Why Your Heartbeat Is Important
Have you ever felt nervous when talking in front of people? Yes, almost everyone knows that feeling. When in high school, I tried to compete in Mandarin speech competition. I prepared this speech for two months. I was very optimistic back then. Not until my turn to give my speech. I was so nervous, my heart was in rush pumping the blood from head to toe. Rapid heartbeat made my breathing unstable. It felt like I want to vomit. Slowly, my mind became hazy. I couldn’t find my speech there. I shouted to my head, “Hey, where did it go? Give me my speech. I need to give a speech now!”
Unfortunately, my head didn’t want to cooperate. I ended up open a paper to read the speech. Of course, I lost the competition. I had prepared it for two months and suddenly it disappeared in two seconds.
I read Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink. In his book, I found how the heartbeat could determine our minds. Malcolm Gladwell wrote that David Klinger in his book Into the Kill Zone shared his interesting interviews with policemen. They told their experience when shooting someone. The fascinating side is they experienced different feelings. In the first story, one policeman said he could see clearly when the bullet hit the criminals. Even he remembered where the bullets land on the criminal’s body part. Another story told about another policeman who didn’t remember clearly when he hit the criminals. He said he couldn’t hear anything when shooting the gun. He didn’t know exactly how he got up when the criminal’s body fell on him.
It seems to be something wrong with those two policemen. Actually, it doesn’t. As humans, we have an optimal state of arousal. In this state, our stress increases our abilities. Dave Grossman, a retired lieutenant colonel in the United States Army who studied the psychology of killing, said it happens when our heartbeat in the range between 115 and 145 per minute.
A former NBA star, Larry Bird said in the crucial moment he couldn’t hear the crowd. The stadium felt empty. All he saw was in slow motion. He was so focused on the game. Only a few players felt this way. He felt in the optimal range of arousal.
Many players got too much adrenaline rush, they felt in a higher heartbeat. Dave Grossman stated when players had a heartbeat of more than 145 BPM, it becomes a disaster. We slowly lose control of our motor ability. At 175 BPM, our cognitive ability starts crumbling. Our instinct will take over our minds. And we start to lose our minds completely.
Have you ever argued with angry people? They like to say nonsense words. When you realize it is useless having an argument with them, just leave them. It’s just like talking to dogs at that moment. Wait until they slow down and start the conversation once again with calmness.
The Right Words in The Right Times
“Oh wait, here we are again. Having arguments like yesterday. Hmm, but let me have a break for a moment.”
That’s what my mind should work now. When an argument escalates, I remind myself to take a deep breath, keep my mouth shut, and slow down. I need to control myself first before I speak.
Take a pause as much as you need.
No need to hold your need for a pause. Knowing when you need a pause is good for you. It means you realize your capability and limit. Don’t hesitate to take a pause. You better pause it before it explodes.
When you talk to someone and the discussion is heading nowhere, you know what you should do. Instead of making an argument full of anger, take a pause for yourself. Let them speak up their minds first while you take a deep breath. By listening to them, you might find another way to deliver your ideas.
Raise your arguments, not your voices.
With a clear mind, it’s your opportunity to strengthen your arguments. You don’t fight a big wave with a bigger paddle, but with a bigger boat. Choose your “weapon” wisely, not your brute strength only. Even a small boy like David could beat Goliath the giant in the Bible.
“Practice the pause
Pause before judging,
Pause before assuming,
Pause before accusing,
Pause whenever you’re about to react harshly
And you’ll avoid doing and saying things you’ll later regret.”
- Lori Deschene
As I grow older, I felt the pressure is bigger and bigger every day. The stress always hit me hard. And I decide to outgrow the pressure by expanding my limit. I admit my limit is so low, and I need to take a pause almost every time I face a problem. But, I won’t stop, I don’t care how much time I wasted by taking a pause or just a deep breath. As long as I could be wiser when facing arguments.
When you want to start an argument, here are some tips:
- Why
First, ask yourself if is it worth doing? It’s just a waste of time if you start useless arguments. - What
Then, you should know exactly your argument has a strong foundation. - Where
Do you want to be the center of attention in a mall? You better pick a proper place to an argument before it burst out. - Who
I bet you have a different approach for each person you talk. You might talk slower to your boss, or a bit harsh to some you don’t like. - How
And also, find the right words. You couldn’t talk about deep business terminologies to twelve-grader, right? With understandable language, it’s easier for your ideas to be accepted. Pick the right words, approach, and tools (if it is necessary to deliver your argument well). - When
I put it for the last. As I mentioned before, timing is crucial here. Read the situation, prepare yourself before you speak up. You will never be able to take back what you’ve said.
My primary school’s teacher always said, “Silence is golden”. Yes, it is. But, when you need to speak up your mind, stand up for yourself, you know it’s a diamond when you know the way to speak up properly.